Jaime's Story

 

I had been in church my entire life. I was the church “princess”, having always attended Sunday School, participated in dramas, served as president of the youth group, taught Sunday School, opened worship services for the pastor, and sang solos in the choir at every opportunity. I was a straight-A student, one of the top ten in my high school graduating class, involved in various extracurricular activities. In spite of these accomplishments, however, I had emotional scars from my
childhood. I was raised in a dysfunctional and emotionally charged home until my teens. I had been raped by a classmate I had known my entire life. I chose to find shelter and affection in the arms of my boyfriend.

I got pregnant. I did not dare tell my parents, because grace and mercy were not part of their parenting style. I knew where my church stood - in absolute silence. I did not want to disappoint my pastor, youth leader, Sunday school teacher, my best friend’s mom…..so
when I was a senior, and my boyfriend was a sophomore in high school, I told him I was pregnant and the first thing he asked me was , “How much does it (abortion) cost?”

I knew it was a baby. I did not need anyone to “tell me the truth” or give me scientific arguments about whether it was a cell or a baby. I knew. I endured the clinic staff not making eye contact with me, imagined what they were thinking of me. I was surprised at how easy it was to go through the paperwork and be placed on a table in a paper gown, without my parents even knowing. I suffered through the intense and violating procedure, for which I was not put to sleep. I saw and heard EVERYTHING.

My boyfriend and I later broke up. At that time, I rededicated my life to God. On fire for God, I was desperate to find out what His mercy, compassion, grace, and unfailing love really meant. In the midst of that searching, my former boyfriend wanted me back. Believing some sick lie from Satan, I agreed, and set out to prove to myself that it had not been my “fault” the first time we broke up. Two years later, I became pregnant again. We were both in college. He gave me an ultimatum when I argued with him about having another abortion – have it or he would leave me. Faced with being
alone with no parental support from his family or mine, I consented. I was still a leader in church, teaching Sunday school and participating in youth events. He was pro-life Catholic. Fearing the scorn of the church, I kept my secret. I went to the clinic again, afraid of God and man.

For ten years, I hid behind a mask, trying to ignore the guilt and shame that laid heavy on my heart.  I served diligently in the church, feeling that if anyone really knew me they would not love me at all.  I did not know who God really was nor did I know who I was in Christ.  After ten years, God used the birth of my children to open my eyes and heart to His forgiveness, mercy, and grace.  I “knew” I was forgiven, but I had never accepted His forgiveness and made reconciled to Him. He made me into a new creation through His healing power.  I now stand unashamed and free. 

Andy's Story

 

I grew up in the church and I attended a Lutheran school from the time I was in kindergarten until I graduated high school. I obviously knew about God, but God was not in my heart and living for God was not a priority.  In fact, despite my church upbringing, I found myself mixed up in many harmful things during and after high school.

When I was 23, I was dating a 19-year-old and we were in love.  Soon, we found out that she was pregnant.  I wanted to tell our parents and get married.  It was the right thing to do and I loved her, so it was a natural choice for me.  She did not want to have the baby because she feared the judgment of her church and she did not want to embarrass her parents.  Ironically, she was brought up Catholic, who are adamantly pro-life as many churches are, yet because she had sex before marriage, she felt she had to choose abortion to hide her first sin.  I told her that I would support whatever decision she made.  Looking back, I still feel strongly convicted about not telling her parents.  I feel strongly convicted that this was my child too and I should have done whatever was in my power to do to protect the life of my child.  Hindsight is always clearer, and two wrongs don’t make a right.  Choosing a sin to cover a sin only compounds the guilt and shame that attaches itself to your heart.  I cannot help but think that had there been someone we felt we could have talked to, if there was someone we felt we could have shared this with without fearing judgment or condemnation, my children would have an older sibling.  Yet, sadly, I could not think of anyone that would listen to us and help us without shaming us.  I eventually came back to the church, though a different denomination.  I was mentored by many Godly men and my heart drew closer to God.  It took the birth of my firstborn to get my full attention and give my entire heart to God, to seek living in a way that gave glory to God and not just doing “church things”.  It was during this time that God began working in my heart about my past and healing began.   I can now stand unashamed and free and live fully in the grace of a merciful God.

 

Image courtesy of Huntzberry Photography

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